Tag Archives: women

Present Comfort, and Sacrifice

I’m an easily-bored kind of person who always seeks for new opportunities in almost anything, and right now I am thinking to get a new job. I’ve been surfing through the internet to check out some new job offers and have submitted my applications as well.

So far, I have caught the eyes of 2 (two) big companies, which I already had an interview with but still haven’t been called for further tests or more discussions. One is a second biggest tobacco company in Indonesia, and the other one is a Switzerland-based power generation company.

I should be grateful ? (Google Images)

Like any other jobs, all of them have positive as well as negative sides. Compared to the condition in my current company, I surely will be more busy, will have to wake up earlier in the morning, and possibly arrive more late in the evening. In short, I probably gonna spend LESS time with my son..

😦

But on the other hand, I will have a better salary to pay everything in my monthly expenses, including his school fees and hence (in the long run), provide a better future with better opportunities for him.

🙂

So in the end, sometimes.. as a parent, or as a regular human being, there will be times when we have to sacrifice our comfortable present, in order to pursue a better future, for ourselves, or for our children..

If life is the distance between what we have right now and what we hope for in the future, then how is the best way to take the path towards the future?

How much do we have to sacrifice to make the journey meaningful for us, for our family?

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Two Cups of Coffee

Tracy McMillan wrote an interesting piece in The Huffington Post about single women and why they aren’t married (yet). From my own point of view, none of us should judge single women for their condition, whether they’re still single by choice or (please-please-pretty please- forgive me, for saying this) by fate. She believed there are 6 reasons why a woman is still single, and I found no. 2 (you’re shallow), pretty interesting, to disagree with..

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.”

Hmmm.. really?

We all know that Brad Pitt (who seemed to have such a strong character when he dated Jennifer Aniston) ‘eventually‘ cheat, with Angelina Jolie. I don’t think character can guarantee anything, or that it had anything to do with staying committed. People change, both men or women. All we can do is try to maintain our relationship with keeping a healthy communication, honoring trust, and self-reminding ourselves about the importance of staying committed. Applying this healthy-style does not guarantee anyone will be faithful, but at least it can make our daily marriage-life better, not a living hell. And sometimes, experiencing the hurt of being cheated is an effective way to prevent someone from cheating. It sounds rude and confusing isn’t it, I know, but that’s just the way it is. We live in a sick world.

I also personally believe that couples who have equal financial portion in the household are less likely to cheat or be-cheated. For me, financial matters may (although not must) determine the domination pattern in a family. Those who contribute more money, will earn the power to dominate more, and have the right to treat their partner like sh*t, the right to cheat, because they’re the main breadwinner. Not all couples are like this, of course, but this domination pattern ia pretty common and is happening around me.

My advice to all of you single ladies, don’t search for someone who is a lot richer, look for someone equal to you. And don’t search for someone who makes less money than you, because you will be easily tempted by other more-financially-stable men. This way, you can minimize the risk of being cheated, and resist the temptation to cheat yourself. I know my tips sounds hilarious, insensitive and with no support from any research we can all forget about it, but think about it again and try to take a look around you. Try connecting what I said to what is exactly happening around you, hopefully you’ll see what I mean.

Now back to Tracy, she also said that most single girls (or men, too) suffered a delusional misunderstanding about an idealistic imagination of marriage. This is real life, you know. We’re not in some romantic movie.

I believe every woman -who wants to- can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. ~ Tracy McMillan.

That is true, Tracy. Marriage is NOT going to make you happier. It just changes your status from ‘someone’ to someone’s husband/wife, someone’s daughter-in-law, sister/brother, and so on. You’re still the same person who will have to wake up in the morning, go to work, and eat, and breath, and took a bath. Except now that you’re married, you’ll see your partner doing the same thing around you, and you need to make 2 cups of coffee instead of one. I consider myself lucky enough to have a not-so-demanding husband who allows me to be completely who-I-am even after we marry. Some people have to change their daily habits to match their partner’s. It’s okay if they willingly to change, but those who change by force, be brave!

Marriage is about sharing your most valuable possessions: yourself, and your income. It’s about giving, giving, and giving, without asking anything in return except maybe 80% of your partner’s income, which you can’t use to buy things you love, but to pay for household expenses. The good thing is, you no longer sleep alone at night and you got someone to hug you in case of a bad dream (but not everyone likes to wake up in the middle of the night for something unimportant). Bottom line is, women, single, in a relationship, or married, are still the same person. You’re not single because you’re uglier than your married friends, not because you’re less lucky, but because nobody share the exact-same life story with others.

But if you’re a single woman who desperately want to marry soon (perhaps you got your biological clock ticking?), doing a self-check won’t hurt, right? You can check yourself out with Tracy’s “6 Reasons Why You’re Still Single” article and perhaps there IS something wrong with you. But don’t worry too much about it, you still have time to change yourself, right?

Have fun.

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Gay Marriage, An Abused Ideal?

Google Images

Until now I still have mixed feelings about homosexuality. But lately, things got more complicated when the same-sex marriage is being approved in New York City. As a married woman, I find it difficult to understand the reason and purpose behind this breakthrough.

I always believe that a marriage starts at the very moment when a man said his vows to a woman’s father during the ijab kabul process. This system has put men and women in different positions with different responsibilities. Prior to being married, the responsibility to protect a woman in terms of mental, physical and financial, lies in the hands of her father. But when a woman is being married to a man, her father will transfer all the responsibility to her husband. This does not mean that a woman must rely their life to men all of her life, it is okay if she can be independent and self-financed but still, she can rely to her father or husband for protection.

But apparently, in the same-sex marriages we will not find neither the bride nor the groom. Instead, we will possibly see two grooms, or two brides. In this situation, who will act as the husband (and say the vows), and who will be the wife (whose father will transfer the responsibilities) if I may ask?

Well, it’s a common question for anyone with religious beliefs combined with the influence of the so-called patrilineal culture. But for me, the arrangement of a father transferring responsibilities to men does have magical benefits in creating and maintaining a safe, secure, and sane marriage. If all men understand what it means to marry a woman, they will behave according to their own vows. And we will have no question about their commitment. But in reality, well, every marriages will have their own problems, some can find a solution, some will have to end in divorce.

The approval of same-sex marriage undoubtedly gave a new challenge for two people with the same sex, who wish to legalized their “love-based” relationship into a higher level. But at the same time, it has also abused my ideal portrayal where a marriage is supposed to be a transfer of responsibility from fathers to husbands.

When it comes to my own understanding of a sacred marriage, I know I will never be able to relate it to same-sex marriages. But if you see a marriage as an individual right, perhaps I have to force myself to accept the fact that everyone deserves the chance to share a life together as married couples. No matter what their sexual orientation are.

I surely hope I can. Good luck and congratulations, anyway.

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Obedient Wives Club: Why I Don’t Want To Join

Nobody has invited me to join this club yet, but if I do get the invitation, I think I’ll have to pass. Not just because the awkwardly hilarious name, but because Dr Rohaya Mohamad, the founder this controversial club, seems to have a different definition of “a happy marriage.” From her statements, I see her as someone who neglect the equal position of a wife in a marriage. She thinks “happy marriages come from sexually-satisfied husbands” — but sorry to say, she is also married to a polygamist husband who has three other wives.

I agree that sexual intimacy is undoubtedly important in any marriage, but is it the only determining factor? Joining a club which transforms wives to whores is, well, seems a bit desperate and, hello.. we are living in a digital era where you can simply browse for this sort of thing, remember?

Dr Rohaya said, with easy access on prostitution nowadays, every husbands are in a critical stage to being tempted by prostitutes, and with the sex lessons offered by this club, it is guaranteed that husbands will no longer mess around with.. well, any women..

Right. Our beloved husbands will not cheat because they have their own personal, free, and ready-to-use prostitute at home by the name of “a wife.” Not because they have strong commitment to keep their promise which they have said in their marital vows. Instead we are enforcing the husbands to think: “Why bother paying a lot of money to prostitutes when we already have one at home?“– which straightly pops a question to my furious mind: “Is that how we want our husbands to see us? As a FREE prostitute?” What if someday, we suddenly got into a terrible accident and lost our sexual skills? Come to think of it, many normal women are already victims of polygamy, what will happen to wives with disabilities? No question, the holy bond of marriage will sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

A sexual connection is supposed to bring mutual satisfaction, hence it is also must be conducted without any domination from one person. My understanding of a healthy marriage within the Islamic law is perhaps scant, but I believe one of the main responsibility of a husband is to make sure that his wife feels safe, secure, and sufficient within a marriage. Therefore, she can contribute to the family and at the same time serve her husband’s needs –not just sexually– but also in terms of making decisions and providing ideas/solutions.

Sex is important, and yes, a wife must obey her husband. But to what extent? If Dr Rohaya thinks that a happy marriage is a result of a sexually-satisfied-dominating-husband with a depressed wife at home taking all the pain so that she can go to heaven some day, I rest my case. I’d rather go to heaven with my husband at my side holding my hands. Because a happy marriage is a result of two people having the same/equal responsibility to take care each other mentally, financially and sexually.

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Questioning The Highly Debated “Temporary Marriage” in Iran

I just read a shocking article by a fellow IMO-Blogger Hatef Mokhtar, about the “temporary marriage” system which was legalized by the government of one of the most religious country in the world: Iran. According to Iran’s minister, Moustafa Pourmohammadi, “This temporary marriage is a solution to meet the sexual desire of the youth and provide legitimate access to sex.” It will also decrease street prostitution, and the marriage certificate can help men to avoid being arrested by Iranian “moral police” whenever they’re being caught having intimacy with a woman whom they’re not legally married to.

What on earth were they thinking…?

Aren’t we suppose to keep a marriage lasts forever? And what will the words on their akad nikah vows? Because the vows are sacred, and it guarantees the well-being of the wife, while temporary marriage are solely for sexual fulfillment.

When I was married, it was not considered legitimate until the moment of “akad nikah” (marital vows). At this process, my father shook my husband-to-be’s hand, and said “Herewith I marry you to my daughter bla bla bla…” This vow was not just meaningless words.

This is the point where all responsibilities are transferred, from my father to my future husband. Now all duties that concerned my well-being are no longer in my father’s hands, but have become my husband’s obligations.

The akad nikah process was not finish until my future husband replied with: “I accept to marry you daughter by the name of bla bla bla..” (CMIIW) which means that he has accepted the responsibility which was given by my father to him. This process was not just done in front of the muhdin, the witnesses, and the whole guests, but most importantly: this vow was declared in front of God.

This simple (yet sacred) foundation of ‘transferred responsibility’ in the akad nikah process clearly explains what are the role and obligations of a husband, and what rights a wife must have/demand. And this is what marriage is all about! Two people living a life together and taking care of each other, hopefully for the rest of their lives. But in the case of ‘temporary-marriage’ you can choose the term from 1 hour to 99 years. The longer the term, the more money you’re going to pay.

I really don’t understand those men in Iran and their government-approved “temporary marriage” system. What could possibly be the purpose of it again? If the reason is poverty which kept young people from being married, how much does it cost to invite a muhdin and buy 2 marital books to legalize your ‘full-time marriage’ ? But if the reason was to sneak around and enjoying prostitution, well then I rest my case. It’s a shame to use ‘marriage‘ which is suppose to be sacred, as an excuse for male’s sexual desires and their inability to control it.

Well, temporary marriage may save you from being caught by the moral police when you were f***king some women, and you may have escaped the punishment of hundreds of lashes scourging, but I really hope that those false-hypocritical temporary-marriage certificates will give you first-class exclusive flight, along with a VVIP seat and the best view available..  in hell.

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Benarkah Hidup Perempuan Belum Lengkap Tanpa Anak?

A Mother And Her Baby

Sebuah artikel di Kompas Female menuliskan sesuatu tentang perempuan dan keputusan untuk memiliki anak. Begini bunyinya: “lengkapnya hidup Anda sebagai perempuan tidak hanya ditentukan oleh kemampuan mempunyai anak.” Setuju? Tidak setuju? Atau ragu-ragu?

Jawaban saya, Ya dan Tidak.

Ya, karena perempuan (layaknya manusia dengan jenis kelamin lain), tidak hanya diberkahi kemampuan berkembang biak tapi juga segudang kemampuan lain yang melengkapi dirinya (dan diri orang lain juga, sering kali). Kita bisa bekerja, mencari uang, berprestasi di bidang apapun. Masih ingat film  Monalisa Smile yang dibintangi si cantik Julia Roberts? Disitu ia berperan sebagai guru yang memotivasi anak didiknya untuk tidak terburu-buru menikah dan berkeluarga.

Tidak setuju, karena pada akhirnya ketika perempuan telah siap, dia akan merasa tidak lengkap tanpa kehadiran anak. Sebuah acara di BBC Knowledge berjudul Tribal Wives membuka mata saya, betapa seorang perempuan di Inggris yang menghabiskan hampir seluruh hidupnya untuk mengejar karir, akhirnya memutuskan untuk tidak menerima tawaran pekerjaan baru yang menggiurkan (dari sisi materi), dengan alasan: “I want to have a life.

Segala sesuatu selalu memiliki dua sisi yang menuntut kita untuk berfikir sesuai kondisi masing-masing. Ini bukan masalah kesetaraan gender atau emansipasi dimana perempuan juga berhak untuk mengejar karir. Bukan juga kondisi dimana perempuan yang memutuskan menikah muda dan segera memiliki anak lantas dianggap peninggalan bersejarah. Setiap orang, termasuk perempuan memiliki prioritas dan life purpose yang berbeda.

Beberapa diantara kita menempuh jalan menunda kehadiran anak untuk meraih keinginan. Sementara beberapa diantara kita justru melakukan sebaliknya, juga untuk meraih keinginannya. Tidak ada yang salah, karena semua bertumpu pada keinginan pribadi setiap perempuan.

Yang terpenting adalah untuk menghadirkan anak ketika kita memang sudah siap mental (dan finansial). Bukan karena paksaan lingkungan, bukan karena usia yang makin mengejar (walaupun faktor fertilitas kita dipengaruhi olehnya), dan yang jelas bukan karena “kecelakaan.”

Menjadi ibu adalah sesuatu yang bersifat naluriah, ketika perempuan siap menerima tanggung jawab mulia ini, maka hidup akan terasa semakin indah. Karena insting untuk mengasuh memang sudah ada di diri kita sebagai kodrat perempuan, tetapi kapan insting itu tampil di permukaan akan tergantung pada kesiapan yang tentu saja berbeda untuk tiap individu.

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