Tag Archives: homosexuality

Gay Marriage, An Abused Ideal?

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Until now I still have mixed feelings about homosexuality. But lately, things got more complicated when the same-sex marriage is being approved in New York City. As a married woman, I find it difficult to understand the reason and purpose behind this breakthrough.

I always believe that a marriage starts at the very moment when a man said his vows to a woman’s father during the ijab kabul process. This system has put men and women in different positions with different responsibilities. Prior to being married, the responsibility to protect a woman in terms of mental, physical and financial, lies in the hands of her father. But when a woman is being married to a man, her father will transfer all the responsibility to her husband. This does not mean that a woman must rely their life to men all of her life, it is okay if she can be independent and self-financed but still, she can rely to her father or husband for protection.

But apparently, in the same-sex marriages we will not find neither the bride nor the groom. Instead, we will possibly see two grooms, or two brides. In this situation, who will act as the husband (and say the vows), and who will be the wife (whose father will transfer the responsibilities) if I may ask?

Well, it’s a common question for anyone with religious beliefs combined with the influence of the so-called patrilineal culture. But for me, the arrangement of a father transferring responsibilities to men does have magical benefits in creating and maintaining a safe, secure, and sane marriage. If all men understand what it means to marry a woman, they will behave according to their own vows. And we will have no question about their commitment. But in reality, well, every marriages will have their own problems, some can find a solution, some will have to end in divorce.

The approval of same-sex marriage undoubtedly gave a new challenge for two people with the same sex, who wish to legalized their “love-based” relationship into a higher level. But at the same time, it has also abused my ideal portrayal where a marriage is supposed to be a transfer of responsibility from fathers to husbands.

When it comes to my own understanding of a sacred marriage, I know I will never be able to relate it to same-sex marriages. But if you see a marriage as an individual right, perhaps I have to force myself to accept the fact that everyone deserves the chance to share a life together as married couples. No matter what their sexual orientation are.

I surely hope I can. Good luck and congratulations, anyway.

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Lessons From The Movie: “The Kids Are Alright”

Nic & Jules on "The Kids Are Alright"

Homosexuality issues are always interesting and at the same time provocative. Nic and Jules are two women who fell in love with each other, they got married, and they’re both using the same sperm donor to conceive Joni (Nic’s daughter) and Laser (Jules’ son).

One day, Laser and Joni are trying to discover their biological father (the sperm donor), and it triggered the family’s problems. Conflicts began to rise. But as the movie reached its ending, we will find the ‘hidden’ message behind it, that “a family who was built by a lesbian couple is still a ‘normal’ family, where your children are also living a normal life.”

(read more about this movie)

The movie proved that the definition of “marriage” has shifted. Marriage is no longer something that can only be done by a man and a woman. It belongs to everyone. More men are marrying another men, and more women are creating a family with another women.

It’s a fact. But it’s not what our kids will learn in school. At least in my country, where schools are following basic rules where reproduction and marriage is a process that must involve a man and a woman, having an intercourse and so on. It is also contrary to the subject of religion, which Indonesian kids are also learning in school.

So how do we explain the existence of homosexual couples to our children?

I don’t have an exact formula for that. Although I must admit that the thoughts of having a son who grow up to be gay, is not something that will make me happy. But I also don’t want him to grow up hating and cursing gay people. I know some parents are using religion as their ultimate weapon, but this country’s condition often misused it and made people trapped in some sort of ‘unreasonable fear’ with hatred towards diversity.

The only thing I have in my mind is to provide as many information as possible. Because knowledge is the key that will help him decide what’s best for him.

For this purpose, I must continuously maintain a high amount of communication. I’d rather have my son asking me silly, stupid, sensitive, and eventually confusing questions, than to have him asking someone else and receive a false explanation.

We all have our own way to educate and raise our children. But, Nic and Jules’ conflicts are happening to all of us. Their decision to hide Paul (the sperm donor, Laser and Joni’s biological father) from their children is not a wise decision. Families shouldn’t hide anything because families must not keep any secrets. If we want our children to see us as a source of knowledge, then no matter how awkward and abnormal or embarrassing the fact maybe, they deserved to know from A to Z.

The world and life is not a fairy tale, our children must prepare themselves for battle. With proper guidelines and love, hopefully they will have a solid understanding about whatever it is that’s going on around them. Thus, they will have a strong foundation to help deciding what’s best for them. We can only provide our support, but eventually we will have to learn to let them go, trust them in taking their own decisions.

But just like the other parents, I am also still learning and trying, and sometimes failing..

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