Tag Archives: anak

Gay Marriage, An Abused Ideal?

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Until now I still have mixed feelings about homosexuality. But lately, things got more complicated when the same-sex marriage is being approved in New York City. As a married woman, I find it difficult to understand the reason and purpose behind this breakthrough.

I always believe that a marriage starts at the very moment when a man said his vows to a woman’s father during the ijab kabul process. This system has put men and women in different positions with different responsibilities. Prior to being married, the responsibility to protect a woman in terms of mental, physical and financial, lies in the hands of her father. But when a woman is being married to a man, her father will transfer all the responsibility to her husband. This does not mean that a woman must rely their life to men all of her life, it is okay if she can be independent and self-financed but still, she can rely to her father or husband for protection.

But apparently, in the same-sex marriages we will not find neither the bride nor the groom. Instead, we will possibly see two grooms, or two brides. In this situation, who will act as the husband (and say the vows), and who will be the wife (whose father will transfer the responsibilities) if I may ask?

Well, it’s a common question for anyone with religious beliefs combined with the influence of the so-called patrilineal culture. But for me, the arrangement of a father transferring responsibilities to men does have magical benefits in creating and maintaining a safe, secure, and sane marriage. If all men understand what it means to marry a woman, they will behave according to their own vows. And we will have no question about their commitment. But in reality, well, every marriages will have their own problems, some can find a solution, some will have to end in divorce.

The approval of same-sex marriage undoubtedly gave a new challenge for two people with the same sex, who wish to legalized their “love-based” relationship into a higher level. But at the same time, it has also abused my ideal portrayal where a marriage is supposed to be a transfer of responsibility from fathers to husbands.

When it comes to my own understanding of a sacred marriage, I know I will never be able to relate it to same-sex marriages. But if you see a marriage as an individual right, perhaps I have to force myself to accept the fact that everyone deserves the chance to share a life together as married couples. No matter what their sexual orientation are.

I surely hope I can. Good luck and congratulations, anyway.

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Kalau Bisa Santai, Kenapa Harus Kerja Keras?

Di negara yang katanya religius dan tepa selira ini, mengapa tindakan Ny. Siami dan putranya yang melaporkan konspirasi busuk di SDN Gadel II, Surabaya, malah menyebabkan dia dihujat oleh tetangga dan wali murid?

Jangan terburu-buru menghujat.

Dalam komunitas orang tua yang mementingkan kelulusan anak diatas segala-galanya, perbuatan Ny. Siami yang mementingkan proses, tentu saja dianggap nyeleneh bahkan disebut sok suci. Tapi kita tidak bisa menyalahkan warga Gadel dan para wali murid. Mereka terlanjur percaya bahwa yang penting dalam sebuah perjuangan adalah hasil akhir. Kenapa begitu? Ya karena semua orang sekarang berfikirnya seperti itu!

Mana ada sih diantara kita yang mau ikutan tes CPNS ketika didepan mata ada yang menawarkan posisi pegawai negeri “siap pakai” hanya dengan imbalan uang 1 juta, misalnya?

Kita sering terlena dan tidak menyadari bahwa elemen “kerja keras” memainkan peranan yang jauh lebih penting daripada hasil akhir itu sendiri. Itulah sebabnya praktik perdukunan disini tumbuh subur. NgapainĀ  repot berusaha, kalau bisa ke dukun, minta jampi-jampi yang pasti manjur, hehehe.. Kenapa harus menolak uang hibah, nanti kalau jadi terdakwa kasus korupsi, hakim bisa disogok, atau ditinggal kabur ke luar negeri juga beres. Praktik jual-beli narkoba sekarang juga makin canggih, pelakunya hacker, jualan sabu lewat internet.

Orang makin nekat memburu dollar sampai lupa pada kaedah norma dan hukum. Tapi, sadar atau tidak, kita sendiri sering memberikan tepuk tangan dan hormat berlebihan kepada orang kaya, walaupun kita tidak tahu mereka bisa kaya karena apa. Halal atau tidak, kerja keras atau jualan narkoba. Yang penting mereka punya rumah besar, mobil mewah, sering kasih oleh-oleh dari luar negeri.

Anak saya belajar jalan, sekali jatuh langsung diangkat sama eyangnya. Anak saya terbentur pintu, malah pintunya dipukul sama eyangnya. Anak mau makan sendiri, dibilang bikin kotor. Anak mau mandi sendiri dibilang menghabiskan air. Anak teriak karena sepedanya tersangkut, eyangnya buru-buru mengangkat itu sepeda. Nggak usah jauh-jauh ke seorang eyang, kita sendiri sebagai orang tua kadang tidak sadar sudah mempersantai hidup anak.

Padahal, karakter anak dibentuk dari kebiasaan. Dan kebiasaan itu sendiri dibentuk dirumah. Tapi ya bagaimana kalau dirumah itu hanya ada orang tua yang juga terlanjur hidup santai dan tidak mau kerja keras?

Jadi sebelum ikutan protes ke pak gurunya Al, ke Mendiknas, ke Presiden sekalipun, atau meminta Ujian Nasional dihilangkan dari muka bumi, saya sendiri menganggap insiden ini sebagai reminder bahwa saya punya anak yang akan berkembang di lingkungan seperti ini. Apa yang saya bisa saya lakukan?

Yah, berkat Ny. Siami, saya sebagai bagian dari masyarakat yang sakit ini sekarang menyadari bahwa perubahan dan kesembuhan bangsa ini bukan sesuatu yang pantas ditunggu melainkan harus diciptakan sendiri. Kebiasaan baru yang menitikberatkan kepada pentingnya kerja keras bisa dilakukan oleh siapapun, kapanpun, dan dimanapun mereka berada. Sekarang tinggal bertanya kepada diri sendiri saja, mau atau tidak?

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Story of Siami, Story of Honesty

Mrs. Siami & Fatkhurakhman Apologize to Each other (tribunnews.com)

Today, in this so called “religious country” we have seen people acting contrary to what they believe. Worse, nobody realize it until “Al” a 6th grader from SDN Gadel II, Surabaya, bravely speaks to his mother, Mrs. Siami, about a shameful scenario made by his school teacher. Thanks to her, this horrible case finally opened our eyes to the real condition of our culture. That the cost of defending the truth is pretty heavy. Mrs. Siami and Al had to leave their home after a bunch of protesting neighbors showed their anger toward them.

Instead of blaming Fatkhurakhman, the teacher who instructed Al to cheat, parents are pointing their fingers to Mrs. Siami. According to them, Mrs. Siami shoud just shut-up and go with the flow.

Have they lost their mind? Yes, they have, obviously. They are pointing their fingers to the WRONG person. They should thank Mrs. Siami instead. If not for her nerve, Fatkhurakhman will continue being a shameless creep teaching kids that everyone deserves to cheat.

Mrs. Siami escaped from the angry neighbor (suarasurabaya.net)

But it’s hard to tell when you’re just a fish in an ocean contaminated with oil spills. After a certain time, you eventually “adapt” to being black, just like the rest of the contaminated ocean. You do it due to the the fear of being alienated. The fear which has took over your sanity, dignity, and even your fear of God. The fear that forced you to neglect the truth, as long as you can still remain on your comfort zone.

From this embarrassing and heart-breaking case, we know now that we are living in a sick society where the limits between good and bad are no longer clear.

But thanks to Mrs. Siami and her brave-smart-son, Al, we also know that there is still hope for honesty and dignity. All we have to do is learn from her, that sometimes you need to stand up for what you believe, even if it means that you will be alienated, hated, and lose your comfort. And above all, there is still hope for children like Al to grow up and take this country to a better place.

Mrs. Siami's "now empty" house. (surya.co.id)

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Guiltless Parents, And Children Violence

There is an urgent need for parents to stop blaming the government, our nation’s education system, or even teachers, for not giving sufficient moral education to their children.

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Last weekend, I took my nephews to a public swimming pool. Two hours later, I saw them yelling to (and prepared to hit) another kid. The cause was simple, the other kid felt annoyed by the splashes of water that my nephews made when they jump from the pool side. It’s a swimming pool, and he was annoyed by splashes of water?! Come on..

But another thing caught my attention, and it was the anger that my nephews exhibited. To my observation, they were both angry but also -happy- to encounter such opportunity where they can make other kids afraid of them. They enjoyed the dispute, and they were proud of themselves. It almost felt like they have so many negative energy inside, which can finally be unleashed.

Yesterday was the announcement day of UN (national examination) result for high school students in Surabaya. And just like previous years, it was a tradition for them to paint names on each others’ uniforms, continued with a motorbike ride around the city. It was a celebration of freedom which, to most older people, were considered as useless. But what happened yesterday was worse. Some students brought our nation’s red-and-white flag, filled with scratches of paint on it. And a wave of protests from people both old and young, was published through Twitter.

suarasurabaya.net

Most of them demand those students to be arrested, while others, like always, blame the education system and its institution for not teaching appropriate behavior toward our sacred symbol: the red and white flag.

Can we blame the students for not ‘treating’ our flag with respect?

Things that happened to my nephew, or to Surabaya’s “Bonek” (fanatic supporters of Persebaya soccer club) who often ends in violence raise a question to guiltless parents who can only blame others but themselves. Unleashed emotions can turn to negative actions if parents didn’t respond to what their children need. Kids are always full of energy and curiosity, and it is their parents’ responsibility to help them determine the correct actions.

As for the flag incident, I don’t understand why people are making such a big deal out of it or even punish them to court. I know our flag is supposed to be treated with respect, but does anyone ever bother to explain to their children “Why?”

Maybe to the student who scratched it, our ‘sacred’ flag was just a symbol. A fabric which can absorbs paints, a spontaneous act without further thinking about destroying something that supposed to be loved. And when it comes to love, who can blame anyone for not loving something? Maybe they were guilty of being disrespectful to the flag, but whose fault is it for not giving them a country to love?

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Benarkah Hidup Perempuan Belum Lengkap Tanpa Anak?

A Mother And Her Baby

Sebuah artikel di Kompas Female menuliskan sesuatu tentang perempuan dan keputusan untuk memiliki anak. Begini bunyinya: “lengkapnya hidup Anda sebagai perempuan tidak hanya ditentukan oleh kemampuan mempunyai anak.” Setuju? Tidak setuju? Atau ragu-ragu?

Jawaban saya, Ya dan Tidak.

Ya, karena perempuan (layaknya manusia dengan jenis kelamin lain), tidak hanya diberkahi kemampuan berkembang biak tapi juga segudang kemampuan lain yang melengkapi dirinya (dan diri orang lain juga, sering kali). Kita bisa bekerja, mencari uang, berprestasi di bidang apapun. Masih ingat filmĀ  Monalisa Smile yang dibintangi si cantik Julia Roberts? Disitu ia berperan sebagai guru yang memotivasi anak didiknya untuk tidak terburu-buru menikah dan berkeluarga.

Tidak setuju, karena pada akhirnya ketika perempuan telah siap, dia akan merasa tidak lengkap tanpa kehadiran anak. Sebuah acara di BBC Knowledge berjudul Tribal Wives membuka mata saya, betapa seorang perempuan di Inggris yang menghabiskan hampir seluruh hidupnya untuk mengejar karir, akhirnya memutuskan untuk tidak menerima tawaran pekerjaan baru yang menggiurkan (dari sisi materi), dengan alasan: “I want to have a life.

Segala sesuatu selalu memiliki dua sisi yang menuntut kita untuk berfikir sesuai kondisi masing-masing. Ini bukan masalah kesetaraan gender atau emansipasi dimana perempuan juga berhak untuk mengejar karir. Bukan juga kondisi dimana perempuan yang memutuskan menikah muda dan segera memiliki anak lantas dianggap peninggalan bersejarah. Setiap orang, termasuk perempuan memiliki prioritas dan life purpose yang berbeda.

Beberapa diantara kita menempuh jalan menunda kehadiran anak untuk meraih keinginan. Sementara beberapa diantara kita justru melakukan sebaliknya, juga untuk meraih keinginannya. Tidak ada yang salah, karena semua bertumpu pada keinginan pribadi setiap perempuan.

Yang terpenting adalah untuk menghadirkan anak ketika kita memang sudah siap mental (dan finansial). Bukan karena paksaan lingkungan, bukan karena usia yang makin mengejar (walaupun faktor fertilitas kita dipengaruhi olehnya), dan yang jelas bukan karena “kecelakaan.”

Menjadi ibu adalah sesuatu yang bersifat naluriah, ketika perempuan siap menerima tanggung jawab mulia ini, maka hidup akan terasa semakin indah. Karena insting untuk mengasuh memang sudah ada di diri kita sebagai kodrat perempuan, tetapi kapan insting itu tampil di permukaan akan tergantung pada kesiapan yang tentu saja berbeda untuk tiap individu.

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