Tag Archives: sex

He Discovered Sex

I have a 13 year-old, male, nephew, who acts weird. Considering his age, chances are he recently had that “special dream” that determines his sexual-readiness. You know, the sign of adultery, and stuffs like that. He successfully forced his dad to bought him an “anti-spy” screen protector for his mobile phone, the type which nobody can try to sneak-a-peek on who he’s texting, or what website he’s browsing. He spent a lot of (his daddy’s) money to buy refill vouchers for his phone, and his dad were mad at him for this reason.

My guess is, he discovered, and were intrigued to, sex, and porn.

Sadly, his parents were the kind who felt uncomfortable talking about this issue, and decided to leave this matter to those who are responsible, such as school, religion lesson, and forgetting the danger of incorrect understanding (usually received through friends and porn videos). And me, I’m just an aunt, incapable of trespassing the limit between a father and his son.

But I am still grateful to encounter this problem pretty early because I also have a son, who will grow up and have questions about sex, in his mind, and it’s my duty to dig out those questions so that he can share it with me. It’s pretty ewwwwwy,  I know.. And I might not feel comfortable talking about this issue, but considering the risk my son will take if I choose to stay silent, I probably will begin by saying “You know, a sexual intercourse is a normal thing… BUT... like any other normal things, you must know when, and where to do it..”

I quote a funnier perspective about this issue from Psychology Today:

Just like kids need media literacy, kids need porn literacy. They need to understand that they’re watching actors playing roles, not documentaries. They need to understand that just as Glee and Harry Potter are edited, so are porn films. None of these media products is an accurate portrayal of real life.

Still thinking to let your child  have their own understanding about sex, porn, or masturbation just because you feel weird talking about it? I know some religion have helped parents and made it pretty clear that premarital sex is forbidden, but there are also other threats that must be communicated, such as the deathly diseases and unwanted teenage pregnancy. I think the key is to help our kids to have control over it, and not to force them to consider it isn’t there.

It’s like hunger, you’re starving and you need something to eat. But that doesn’t mean you can’t choose your food, right? You’re not going to eat something that will make you sick, you have the choice. And when making choices, it is better if we have all the correct information about all the possibilities that can happen if we choose to do something with negative consequences. There are protection, but I think it’s better for kids to understand that the best way is to avoid it. But if they can’t avoid it, they need to know about how to protect themselves.

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Gay Marriage, An Abused Ideal?

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Until now I still have mixed feelings about homosexuality. But lately, things got more complicated when the same-sex marriage is being approved in New York City. As a married woman, I find it difficult to understand the reason and purpose behind this breakthrough.

I always believe that a marriage starts at the very moment when a man said his vows to a woman’s father during the ijab kabul process. This system has put men and women in different positions with different responsibilities. Prior to being married, the responsibility to protect a woman in terms of mental, physical and financial, lies in the hands of her father. But when a woman is being married to a man, her father will transfer all the responsibility to her husband. This does not mean that a woman must rely their life to men all of her life, it is okay if she can be independent and self-financed but still, she can rely to her father or husband for protection.

But apparently, in the same-sex marriages we will not find neither the bride nor the groom. Instead, we will possibly see two grooms, or two brides. In this situation, who will act as the husband (and say the vows), and who will be the wife (whose father will transfer the responsibilities) if I may ask?

Well, it’s a common question for anyone with religious beliefs combined with the influence of the so-called patrilineal culture. But for me, the arrangement of a father transferring responsibilities to men does have magical benefits in creating and maintaining a safe, secure, and sane marriage. If all men understand what it means to marry a woman, they will behave according to their own vows. And we will have no question about their commitment. But in reality, well, every marriages will have their own problems, some can find a solution, some will have to end in divorce.

The approval of same-sex marriage undoubtedly gave a new challenge for two people with the same sex, who wish to legalized their “love-based” relationship into a higher level. But at the same time, it has also abused my ideal portrayal where a marriage is supposed to be a transfer of responsibility from fathers to husbands.

When it comes to my own understanding of a sacred marriage, I know I will never be able to relate it to same-sex marriages. But if you see a marriage as an individual right, perhaps I have to force myself to accept the fact that everyone deserves the chance to share a life together as married couples. No matter what their sexual orientation are.

I surely hope I can. Good luck and congratulations, anyway.

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Obedient Wives Club: Why I Don’t Want To Join

Nobody has invited me to join this club yet, but if I do get the invitation, I think I’ll have to pass. Not just because the awkwardly hilarious name, but because Dr Rohaya Mohamad, the founder this controversial club, seems to have a different definition of “a happy marriage.” From her statements, I see her as someone who neglect the equal position of a wife in a marriage. She thinks “happy marriages come from sexually-satisfied husbands” — but sorry to say, she is also married to a polygamist husband who has three other wives.

I agree that sexual intimacy is undoubtedly important in any marriage, but is it the only determining factor? Joining a club which transforms wives to whores is, well, seems a bit desperate and, hello.. we are living in a digital era where you can simply browse for this sort of thing, remember?

Dr Rohaya said, with easy access on prostitution nowadays, every husbands are in a critical stage to being tempted by prostitutes, and with the sex lessons offered by this club, it is guaranteed that husbands will no longer mess around with.. well, any women..

Right. Our beloved husbands will not cheat because they have their own personal, free, and ready-to-use prostitute at home by the name of “a wife.” Not because they have strong commitment to keep their promise which they have said in their marital vows. Instead we are enforcing the husbands to think: “Why bother paying a lot of money to prostitutes when we already have one at home?“– which straightly pops a question to my furious mind: “Is that how we want our husbands to see us? As a FREE prostitute?” What if someday, we suddenly got into a terrible accident and lost our sexual skills? Come to think of it, many normal women are already victims of polygamy, what will happen to wives with disabilities? No question, the holy bond of marriage will sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

A sexual connection is supposed to bring mutual satisfaction, hence it is also must be conducted without any domination from one person. My understanding of a healthy marriage within the Islamic law is perhaps scant, but I believe one of the main responsibility of a husband is to make sure that his wife feels safe, secure, and sufficient within a marriage. Therefore, she can contribute to the family and at the same time serve her husband’s needs –not just sexually– but also in terms of making decisions and providing ideas/solutions.

Sex is important, and yes, a wife must obey her husband. But to what extent? If Dr Rohaya thinks that a happy marriage is a result of a sexually-satisfied-dominating-husband with a depressed wife at home taking all the pain so that she can go to heaven some day, I rest my case. I’d rather go to heaven with my husband at my side holding my hands. Because a happy marriage is a result of two people having the same/equal responsibility to take care each other mentally, financially and sexually.

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Questioning The Highly Debated “Temporary Marriage” in Iran

I just read a shocking article by a fellow IMO-Blogger Hatef Mokhtar, about the “temporary marriage” system which was legalized by the government of one of the most religious country in the world: Iran. According to Iran’s minister, Moustafa Pourmohammadi, “This temporary marriage is a solution to meet the sexual desire of the youth and provide legitimate access to sex.” It will also decrease street prostitution, and the marriage certificate can help men to avoid being arrested by Iranian “moral police” whenever they’re being caught having intimacy with a woman whom they’re not legally married to.

What on earth were they thinking…?

Aren’t we suppose to keep a marriage lasts forever? And what will the words on their akad nikah vows? Because the vows are sacred, and it guarantees the well-being of the wife, while temporary marriage are solely for sexual fulfillment.

When I was married, it was not considered legitimate until the moment of “akad nikah” (marital vows). At this process, my father shook my husband-to-be’s hand, and said “Herewith I marry you to my daughter bla bla bla…” This vow was not just meaningless words.

This is the point where all responsibilities are transferred, from my father to my future husband. Now all duties that concerned my well-being are no longer in my father’s hands, but have become my husband’s obligations.

The akad nikah process was not finish until my future husband replied with: “I accept to marry you daughter by the name of bla bla bla..” (CMIIW) which means that he has accepted the responsibility which was given by my father to him. This process was not just done in front of the muhdin, the witnesses, and the whole guests, but most importantly: this vow was declared in front of God.

This simple (yet sacred) foundation of ‘transferred responsibility’ in the akad nikah process clearly explains what are the role and obligations of a husband, and what rights a wife must have/demand. And this is what marriage is all about! Two people living a life together and taking care of each other, hopefully for the rest of their lives. But in the case of ‘temporary-marriage’ you can choose the term from 1 hour to 99 years. The longer the term, the more money you’re going to pay.

I really don’t understand those men in Iran and their government-approved “temporary marriage” system. What could possibly be the purpose of it again? If the reason is poverty which kept young people from being married, how much does it cost to invite a muhdin and buy 2 marital books to legalize your ‘full-time marriage’ ? But if the reason was to sneak around and enjoying prostitution, well then I rest my case. It’s a shame to use ‘marriage‘ which is suppose to be sacred, as an excuse for male’s sexual desires and their inability to control it.

Well, temporary marriage may save you from being caught by the moral police when you were f***king some women, and you may have escaped the punishment of hundreds of lashes scourging, but I really hope that those false-hypocritical temporary-marriage certificates will give you first-class exclusive flight, along with a VVIP seat and the best view available..  in hell.

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If You Decide To Go To Hell

Last night, I was watching one of my favorite series “Glee” and got mixed feelings about the show’s gay character: Kurt and Blaine. I’m not homophobic, I’m just a parent who is still uncertain on how to react. To be honest, they aren’t exactly the kind of role model that you want your son to have, right?

Kurt & Blaine of Glee

But homosexuality is not the only confusing culture which bothers me as a parent of a young boy. A study has presented a controversial result where 51% of female students in Jabodetabek area admitted they have had a sexual intercourse. It’s not a matter of virginity, but it’s how prone they are to sexual diseases and unwanted pregnancy. And yet for the minister, sexual education is still considered unimportant.

As I searched for answers to overcome my confusion, I became lost. For some people, one of the reason behind this “alarming” facts of teenager behavior is parents who no longer stressed on the importance of religion. For our government, represented by the ministry of education, ‘character-building‘ (which will soon be implanted to our current school curriculum) is going to fix this problem. And according to our minister of communication and information Tifatul Sembiring, pornography is the reason behind this mess, hence blocking it (and putting Ariel to jail, maybe) will become the best solution available.

None of the above mentioned solution is satisfactory. Instead of finding the answers, I became angry and more confuse than ever. Luckily after Glee, there was a documentary program about the recent megaquake and tsunami in Japan. And somehow, it was the scientist’s words that opened my mind. “We can’t pretend that the threat of natural disasters don’t exist. We need to find a way on how to live with them, and prepare ourselves for the danger they possessed.”

Now, that, my friend, is what I call a reasonable solution. There’s nothing wrong with having a solid knowledge about religious doctrines that you believe, but when it comes to protecting your child against something that he is unaware of, we need to go beyond heaven and hell.

First of all, we all need to accept the fact that every normal teenager will want a taste of intimacy. But sexual intercourse, is not the only way to satisfy those needs. Especially when it puts you at risk of being infected with deadly viruses such as herpes, hepatitis, and of course the incurable and life-threatening virus of HIV. When you’re enjoying a sexual intimacy, you are “doing it” with anyone else whom your partner have ever had sex with. And who knows what those people are carrying in their genitals. That is why we are strongly recommended to only doing it with our “eligible” partner whom we are married with. It decreases the possibility of being infected with those deadly viruses.

People are threatened by natural disasters, the same way my son (along with the rest of our future generation) shall be exposed to negative sexual stimulator such as pornography. But hiding it away from his sight will be like pretending that tsunamis and earthquakes don’t exist. At any moment, not just from the media, but also from friends, my son (and everybody else’s child) will see it, hear it, feel it, and eventually digest it. Our duty is to provide them with survival tools to choose the good ones, and give them sensible reasons on why they must leave the bad ones. And to my opinion, the hot flames of hell is not sensible enough for the critical minds of the modern young.

Nothing is taboo when it comes to survival and staying alive. It does not mean that I disagree with religions who forbid sexual activities before (or without) marriage, but I do know now, that I can’t solely rely on its doctrines to keep my son away from the danger of modernization. But on the other hand, I can always explain the importance of wearing a condom, just in case he decides to go to hell.

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This post was submitted to join “The Jakarta Post – IMO Blog” Blogging competition on May 2011.

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