Tag Archives: husband

Two Cups of Coffee

Tracy McMillan wrote an interesting piece in The Huffington Post about single women and why they aren’t married (yet). From my own point of view, none of us should judge single women for their condition, whether they’re still single by choice or (please-please-pretty please- forgive me, for saying this) by fate. She believed there are 6 reasons why a woman is still single, and I found no. 2 (you’re shallow), pretty interesting, to disagree with..

When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.”

Hmmm.. really?

We all know that Brad Pitt (who seemed to have such a strong character when he dated Jennifer Aniston) ‘eventually‘ cheat, with Angelina Jolie. I don’t think character can guarantee anything, or that it had anything to do with staying committed. People change, both men or women. All we can do is try to maintain our relationship with keeping a healthy communication, honoring trust, and self-reminding ourselves about the importance of staying committed. Applying this healthy-style does not guarantee anyone will be faithful, but at least it can make our daily marriage-life better, not a living hell. And sometimes, experiencing the hurt of being cheated is an effective way to prevent someone from cheating. It sounds rude and confusing isn’t it, I know, but that’s just the way it is. We live in a sick world.

I also personally believe that couples who have equal financial portion in the household are less likely to cheat or be-cheated. For me, financial matters may (although not must) determine the domination pattern in a family. Those who contribute more money, will earn the power to dominate more, and have the right to treat their partner like sh*t, the right to cheat, because they’re the main breadwinner. Not all couples are like this, of course, but this domination pattern ia pretty common and is happening around me.

My advice to all of you single ladies, don’t search for someone who is a lot richer, look for someone equal to you. And don’t search for someone who makes less money than you, because you will be easily tempted by other more-financially-stable men. This way, you can minimize the risk of being cheated, and resist the temptation to cheat yourself. I know my tips sounds hilarious, insensitive and with no support from any research we can all forget about it, but think about it again and try to take a look around you. Try connecting what I said to what is exactly happening around you, hopefully you’ll see what I mean.

Now back to Tracy, she also said that most single girls (or men, too) suffered a delusional misunderstanding about an idealistic imagination of marriage. This is real life, you know. We’re not in some romantic movie.

I believe every woman -who wants to- can find a great partner. You’re just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won’t. Once the initial high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much laundry. ~ Tracy McMillan.

That is true, Tracy. Marriage is NOT going to make you happier. It just changes your status from ‘someone’ to someone’s husband/wife, someone’s daughter-in-law, sister/brother, and so on. You’re still the same person who will have to wake up in the morning, go to work, and eat, and breath, and took a bath. Except now that you’re married, you’ll see your partner doing the same thing around you, and you need to make 2 cups of coffee instead of one. I consider myself lucky enough to have a not-so-demanding husband who allows me to be completely who-I-am even after we marry. Some people have to change their daily habits to match their partner’s. It’s okay if they willingly to change, but those who change by force, be brave!

Marriage is about sharing your most valuable possessions: yourself, and your income. It’s about giving, giving, and giving, without asking anything in return except maybe 80% of your partner’s income, which you can’t use to buy things you love, but to pay for household expenses. The good thing is, you no longer sleep alone at night and you got someone to hug you in case of a bad dream (but not everyone likes to wake up in the middle of the night for something unimportant). Bottom line is, women, single, in a relationship, or married, are still the same person. You’re not single because you’re uglier than your married friends, not because you’re less lucky, but because nobody share the exact-same life story with others.

But if you’re a single woman who desperately want to marry soon (perhaps you got your biological clock ticking?), doing a self-check won’t hurt, right? You can check yourself out with Tracy’s “6 Reasons Why You’re Still Single” article and perhaps there IS something wrong with you. But don’t worry too much about it, you still have time to change yourself, right?

Have fun.

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Obedient Wives Club: Why I Don’t Want To Join

Nobody has invited me to join this club yet, but if I do get the invitation, I think I’ll have to pass. Not just because the awkwardly hilarious name, but because Dr Rohaya Mohamad, the founder this controversial club, seems to have a different definition of “a happy marriage.” From her statements, I see her as someone who neglect the equal position of a wife in a marriage. She thinks “happy marriages come from sexually-satisfied husbands” — but sorry to say, she is also married to a polygamist husband who has three other wives.

I agree that sexual intimacy is undoubtedly important in any marriage, but is it the only determining factor? Joining a club which transforms wives to whores is, well, seems a bit desperate and, hello.. we are living in a digital era where you can simply browse for this sort of thing, remember?

Dr Rohaya said, with easy access on prostitution nowadays, every husbands are in a critical stage to being tempted by prostitutes, and with the sex lessons offered by this club, it is guaranteed that husbands will no longer mess around with.. well, any women..

Right. Our beloved husbands will not cheat because they have their own personal, free, and ready-to-use prostitute at home by the name of “a wife.” Not because they have strong commitment to keep their promise which they have said in their marital vows. Instead we are enforcing the husbands to think: “Why bother paying a lot of money to prostitutes when we already have one at home?“– which straightly pops a question to my furious mind: “Is that how we want our husbands to see us? As a FREE prostitute?” What if someday, we suddenly got into a terrible accident and lost our sexual skills? Come to think of it, many normal women are already victims of polygamy, what will happen to wives with disabilities? No question, the holy bond of marriage will sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

A sexual connection is supposed to bring mutual satisfaction, hence it is also must be conducted without any domination from one person. My understanding of a healthy marriage within the Islamic law is perhaps scant, but I believe one of the main responsibility of a husband is to make sure that his wife feels safe, secure, and sufficient within a marriage. Therefore, she can contribute to the family and at the same time serve her husband’s needs –not just sexually– but also in terms of making decisions and providing ideas/solutions.

Sex is important, and yes, a wife must obey her husband. But to what extent? If Dr Rohaya thinks that a happy marriage is a result of a sexually-satisfied-dominating-husband with a depressed wife at home taking all the pain so that she can go to heaven some day, I rest my case. I’d rather go to heaven with my husband at my side holding my hands. Because a happy marriage is a result of two people having the same/equal responsibility to take care each other mentally, financially and sexually.

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Men, Women, Marriage, And Equality

Last week, I posted a blog about an overrated version of a Good Wife. From it, I received comments about gender equality. In this modern age, where women have the same opportunity as men, turns out that there are still men who prefer to have a “stay at home” wife. And then someone asked..

“Are we not all created equal? Should we not all have equal rights, duties and expectations, no matter what our gender is?”

From this question, we can see a view saying that it is not fair for women to stop pursuing their dream, to not be able to have a career, just because their husband doesn’t allowed them to. In this particular case, I wouldn’t jump to conclusion that this man is an old-fashioned, close-minded person, without looking at his reasons. He may have a point after all! Such as a condition when he have a stable income that can support his entire family, therefore he needs to have a partner who can manage his house, his children. I personally will accept the offer to stay at home and create my own business, because flexibility has always been my dream.

I too, at first, think of the term “equality in marriage” as a condition where women are allowed to pursue their dream, to work, to have a career, instead of staying home taking care of the house and children. I’m not a feminist, or an expert in psychology, but I believe that housewives can have equal responsibility in marriage because it’s not always about the money or who has the better career. There are other things such as children education, house maintenance, financial issues and management, which are also part of a marital life and sometimes it can even caused a severe head ache. I am a wife, and a mother, and my salary is bigger than my husband’s, but when it comes to finding a solution for our daily problems, both me and my husband are entitled to look for the best options. Just because I made more money, it doesn’t mean that I’m the one who always have the best answer and opinion about everything.

So it doesn’t matter whether you’re a career woman or a housewife, you must have an equal share of marital responsibilities, you have the right to speak and decide what’s best for you and your family.

In fact, to be honest, if I can just stay at home, I certainly will, because it will lessen my burden and gives me plenty of time to play with my 20 months old son. But at this moment we need all the money we can get, so I am still a bored employee, wasting her time writing blogs during office hours.

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