Tag Archives: pernikahan

The Search For A Soulmate

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Today, with internet access and the rapid development of communication technology, do you still believe that your fate in finding your perfect match, the one person whom you shall marry to (and spend the rest of your life with, a.k.a your “soulmate“), lies upon God’s hand? In Bahasa, this aphorism of “Jodoh Di Tangan Tuhan” is still widely used and have different interpretations. Not just for single people, but also to those who are in a relationship, engaged or married, this understanding on how God has prepared someone –for us to love ’til death do us part— seems to have been misunderstood and thus confusing.

During my teenager years, this phrase have been somewhat helpful to rescue me from a stagnant, boring, going-nowhere, and on-off relationship. I once told myself, “Okay, I had enough of this battle and I’m gonna leave now, if he’s the one for me, then someday we’ll meet again, as arranged by God.“— I can no longer do this though, because I’m married.

You can’t simply get a divorce after having a dispute with your spouse and said that it is part of God’s plan. You can’t marry someone and then cheat with someone else just because you think they are your true soul mate.

And the fact is, we can never know for sure whether the person standing beside us right now is the one sent by God to be our soulmate, or NOT. It is something that you have to decide by yourself. For me, it doesn’t matter whether I’m married to my soulmate or not, what matters the most is the commitment I have with him. We can make them our soulmate, if we want to, if we choose to believe so, and if we are willing to do whatever we can to make it real.

I know that many of us believe that this “soulmate” thing is part of our destiny. But it doesn’t mean that we can use it as an excuse to hurt anyone by cheating. And if you’re among the single people looking for your “other half” please don’t solely rely on this phrase and then forgetting the elements of hard work. Your life partner is out there, but if you spend your days in front of your PC, what do you expect? That they will someday come knocking at your door asking you out on a date?

I believe in destiny, but above all I believe that it is hard work that will take us to our destiny. Otherwise, we will be like those people who dream about something so big, but forget to wake up to make it happen.

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Obedient Wives Club: Why I Don’t Want To Join

Nobody has invited me to join this club yet, but if I do get the invitation, I think I’ll have to pass. Not just because the awkwardly hilarious name, but because Dr Rohaya Mohamad, the founder this controversial club, seems to have a different definition of “a happy marriage.” From her statements, I see her as someone who neglect the equal position of a wife in a marriage. She thinks “happy marriages come from sexually-satisfied husbands” — but sorry to say, she is also married to a polygamist husband who has three other wives.

I agree that sexual intimacy is undoubtedly important in any marriage, but is it the only determining factor? Joining a club which transforms wives to whores is, well, seems a bit desperate and, hello.. we are living in a digital era where you can simply browse for this sort of thing, remember?

Dr Rohaya said, with easy access on prostitution nowadays, every husbands are in a critical stage to being tempted by prostitutes, and with the sex lessons offered by this club, it is guaranteed that husbands will no longer mess around with.. well, any women..

Right. Our beloved husbands will not cheat because they have their own personal, free, and ready-to-use prostitute at home by the name of “a wife.” Not because they have strong commitment to keep their promise which they have said in their marital vows. Instead we are enforcing the husbands to think: “Why bother paying a lot of money to prostitutes when we already have one at home?“– which straightly pops a question to my furious mind: “Is that how we want our husbands to see us? As a FREE prostitute?” What if someday, we suddenly got into a terrible accident and lost our sexual skills? Come to think of it, many normal women are already victims of polygamy, what will happen to wives with disabilities? No question, the holy bond of marriage will sunk to the bottom of the ocean.

A sexual connection is supposed to bring mutual satisfaction, hence it is also must be conducted without any domination from one person. My understanding of a healthy marriage within the Islamic law is perhaps scant, but I believe one of the main responsibility of a husband is to make sure that his wife feels safe, secure, and sufficient within a marriage. Therefore, she can contribute to the family and at the same time serve her husband’s needs –not just sexually– but also in terms of making decisions and providing ideas/solutions.

Sex is important, and yes, a wife must obey her husband. But to what extent? If Dr Rohaya thinks that a happy marriage is a result of a sexually-satisfied-dominating-husband with a depressed wife at home taking all the pain so that she can go to heaven some day, I rest my case. I’d rather go to heaven with my husband at my side holding my hands. Because a happy marriage is a result of two people having the same/equal responsibility to take care each other mentally, financially and sexually.

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Benarkah Hidup Perempuan Belum Lengkap Tanpa Anak?

A Mother And Her Baby

Sebuah artikel di Kompas Female menuliskan sesuatu tentang perempuan dan keputusan untuk memiliki anak. Begini bunyinya: “lengkapnya hidup Anda sebagai perempuan tidak hanya ditentukan oleh kemampuan mempunyai anak.” Setuju? Tidak setuju? Atau ragu-ragu?

Jawaban saya, Ya dan Tidak.

Ya, karena perempuan (layaknya manusia dengan jenis kelamin lain), tidak hanya diberkahi kemampuan berkembang biak tapi juga segudang kemampuan lain yang melengkapi dirinya (dan diri orang lain juga, sering kali). Kita bisa bekerja, mencari uang, berprestasi di bidang apapun. Masih ingat filmĀ  Monalisa Smile yang dibintangi si cantik Julia Roberts? Disitu ia berperan sebagai guru yang memotivasi anak didiknya untuk tidak terburu-buru menikah dan berkeluarga.

Tidak setuju, karena pada akhirnya ketika perempuan telah siap, dia akan merasa tidak lengkap tanpa kehadiran anak. Sebuah acara di BBC Knowledge berjudul Tribal Wives membuka mata saya, betapa seorang perempuan di Inggris yang menghabiskan hampir seluruh hidupnya untuk mengejar karir, akhirnya memutuskan untuk tidak menerima tawaran pekerjaan baru yang menggiurkan (dari sisi materi), dengan alasan: “I want to have a life.

Segala sesuatu selalu memiliki dua sisi yang menuntut kita untuk berfikir sesuai kondisi masing-masing. Ini bukan masalah kesetaraan gender atau emansipasi dimana perempuan juga berhak untuk mengejar karir. Bukan juga kondisi dimana perempuan yang memutuskan menikah muda dan segera memiliki anak lantas dianggap peninggalan bersejarah. Setiap orang, termasuk perempuan memiliki prioritas dan life purpose yang berbeda.

Beberapa diantara kita menempuh jalan menunda kehadiran anak untuk meraih keinginan. Sementara beberapa diantara kita justru melakukan sebaliknya, juga untuk meraih keinginannya. Tidak ada yang salah, karena semua bertumpu pada keinginan pribadi setiap perempuan.

Yang terpenting adalah untuk menghadirkan anak ketika kita memang sudah siap mental (dan finansial). Bukan karena paksaan lingkungan, bukan karena usia yang makin mengejar (walaupun faktor fertilitas kita dipengaruhi olehnya), dan yang jelas bukan karena “kecelakaan.”

Menjadi ibu adalah sesuatu yang bersifat naluriah, ketika perempuan siap menerima tanggung jawab mulia ini, maka hidup akan terasa semakin indah. Karena insting untuk mengasuh memang sudah ada di diri kita sebagai kodrat perempuan, tetapi kapan insting itu tampil di permukaan akan tergantung pada kesiapan yang tentu saja berbeda untuk tiap individu.

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Men, Women, Marriage, And Equality

Last week, I posted a blog about an overrated version of a Good Wife. From it, I received comments about gender equality. In this modern age, where women have the same opportunity as men, turns out that there are still men who prefer to have a “stay at home” wife. And then someone asked..

“Are we not all created equal? Should we not all have equal rights, duties and expectations, no matter what our gender is?”

From this question, we can see a view saying that it is not fair for women to stop pursuing their dream, to not be able to have a career, just because their husband doesn’t allowed them to. In this particular case, I wouldn’t jump to conclusion that this man is an old-fashioned, close-minded person, without looking at his reasons. He may have a point after all! Such as a condition when he have a stable income that can support his entire family, therefore he needs to have a partner who can manage his house, his children. I personally will accept the offer to stay at home and create my own business, because flexibility has always been my dream.

I too, at first, think of the term “equality in marriage” as a condition where women are allowed to pursue their dream, to work, to have a career, instead of staying home taking care of the house and children. I’m not a feminist, or an expert in psychology, but I believe that housewives can have equal responsibility in marriage because it’s not always about the money or who has the better career. There are other things such as children education, house maintenance, financial issues and management, which are also part of a marital life and sometimes it can even caused a severe head ache. I am a wife, and a mother, and my salary is bigger than my husband’s, but when it comes to finding a solution for our daily problems, both me and my husband are entitled to look for the best options. Just because I made more money, it doesn’t mean that I’m the one who always have the best answer and opinion about everything.

So it doesn’t matter whether you’re a career woman or a housewife, you must have an equal share of marital responsibilities, you have the right to speak and decide what’s best for you and your family.

In fact, to be honest, if I can just stay at home, I certainly will, because it will lessen my burden and gives me plenty of time to play with my 20 months old son. But at this moment we need all the money we can get, so I am still a bored employee, wasting her time writing blogs during office hours.

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