I wish I knew then, what I know now, when it comes to this special kind of relationship between a man and a woman, called “marriage” there are rules that you cannot break..
#Rule no. 1: A good marriage begins with a good financial condition, no debt, and sufficient monthly income.
In December 2005, I have a job, a monthly salary, some credit card debts, an unemployed boyfriend, and a request from his family that we should get married soon, like in January next year.. Without thinking too much about what will happen, I said yes.
I thought.. “Okay, so I have a jobless boyfriend, no money for the wedding ceremony, so what?” I used my credit card to pay the expenses.
Turns out, it was a horrible way to start a journey. Your income becomes limited because you have to pay the credit card debts, hence it is insufficient to pay for all your (and your jobless husband’s) monthly expenses. Instead of being financially ready, I was financially DOOMED.
The stressful condition, lack of money, and the reality that my husband is still jobless, drove me crazy. I never thought that the fact that “I have a jobless boyfriend, and not enough money for a wedding ceremony but I decided to marry him anyway” can lead to such enormous problems! At the end of the first year, I was devastated, and I was ready to end my own marriage a couple of months before our first anniversary.
Lesson learned: You don’t have to be rich to get married, but if you don’t have enough money to make a ‘normal’ wedding ceremony, please be reasonable. Keep it simple, affordable, and do not give a damn about what other people say! Stay the hell out of DEBT, and make sure you have enough money to pay for you-and-your-partner‘s monthly expenses!
#Rule no. 2: A healthy marriage begins with a healthy mind, healthy emotion, and healthy way of communication from both person.
Before marriage, me and my husband were dating for almost two years. We’ve been having disagreements but were always able to solve it. But after marriage, both of us (especially him) started to show our ‘real side’ and domination. Every discussion, every question, and every decision were always made with tears (my tears). Like I said above, as the main breadwinner, I was dominating, and he was defensive.
I didn’t remember how we solve this problem, but I do remember telling him that I want this to be over. I wanted to end our marriage. I was clueless, and I didn’t have anything else on my mind but to be free from him.
That’s when he promised to change. After giving some thoughts, I decided to give him a chance. Several days after our first anniversary, he finally got a job and have become a so much better person than he was before. Hopefully, he can say the same about me. Ever since that day, my husband have become a completely different person when it comes to struggling, decision making, and working his ass off. He truly have changed.
We have a solid communication with each other and we know our obligations. We both contribute to our household expenses and share the same amount of responsibility when it comes to decision making. I’ve been less dominating, and he started to show more control.
Second lesson learned. My marriage was rescued by our willingness to change, our willingness to accept each other mistakes, the belief for another chance, the willingness to communicate, and equal share of responsibility in decision making.
I am so proud of my husband, and even though it’s not the best, I am also proud with our marriage. Looking back to 2006, I am grateful and amazed on how much our financial and mental condition has improved for the both of us. On May 2009 I gave birth to our first son, and on January 2012 we finally have enough money to buy our own house. We’re still paying 15 years of mortgage, but we have plan to make the years shorter.
Those are the rules which I believe will create, and save, a healthy and happy marriage. I know things might not seem well at the beginning, and you feel like giving up your marriage, but it doesn’t mean that things will not change. In the end, it takes more than just a boyfriend/girlfriend to marry someone, it takes a life-time of adaptation.
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