I’ve started, sustained, sputtered and stalled. I’m sick of trying, sick of failing, sick of picking myself back up and dusting myself off. Yes, this is where I am today – this place of over-and-over-again – this place of where-do-I-begin-now – this place of fear. ~ Katie Tallo, Momentum Gathering.
* * *
My mind is like the TransJakarta bus today. Full of people, pushing oneself against another, scrambling madly and jostling for comfort. Yes, I am here, at the moment where my predictions is again, not completely correct.
When me and my husband finally have enough money to pay the down payment of a house (which we’ve been planning since last year), we started searching for the “perfect” house, and had a rough time negotiating the price. And by rough time, I was talking about the accidents which happened to our son, and to ourselves. My son tore out his lips, while we, his parents, fell off our motorcycle when some crazy dude just suddenly cut our path at the road.
So I thought to myself, okay, maybe all those accidents were some “colors” to make our journey more exciting and memorable. And when the seller eventually agreed with the price we want, we said to ourselves: “This is our time. This is when God finally made our dream come true.”
But then my son was again, sick. He got measles, not a severe one, but still, it kinda fill my head because as a first-time mom, I still worried. And it doesn’t stop there. One afternoon, my mom called to inform that my dad was injured in a motorcycle accident, and broke his leg. He’s fine now, after the surgery, thank God, but we still need to think about the hospital charges. And for our so called “dream house” the KPR process is not as easy as we thought.
I suddenly felt sad and confuse. Part of my selfish side said “Why does this happen to me now? At the time when I was pretty close in getting what I want for so long?!” And part of my “dedicated daughter” said “This is the time to show how much I love my parents and pay back to them..” But more to those conflicting sides, I suddenly realize that nothing, I repeat, NO-THING, in this world is EVER “certain.”
And I got scared. I began to lose hope, and questioned the essence of fighting, praying, believing… Until I hear Martina McBride’s song “Anyway” with its highly inspiring lyric.
God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
when I pray, it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
but I do it anyway..
This world’s gone crazy, and it’s hard to believe
that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway..
– – –
And I agree. Our journey in the ocean of life will always be full of high tides and storms. But it doesn’t mean that we should give up hoping and cease our efforts in pursuing our dreams. Things change, to be better, but it could also be worse. Nobody can ever be prepared for it. But we must keep our faith that things will be better anyway. It is true, however, that in the end we will be forced to finally “letting go” of the result, but if we did our best, and the result still does not match our expectations, we will not feel any regrets.
* * *